by Rachel
I ate a slice of pizza on Yom Kippur this year. I have not told anyone that. Well, of course my husband knows because he came into the kitchen and saw me sitting on our red linoleum floor eating the cold slice of pizza I found in the fridge. He did not judge me, and I hope you won’t either.
I will tell you why I ate pizza this year on Yom Kippur; my 31-year-old brother is dying. What does that have to do with pizza on Yom Kippur? Weeks of sleeping on the floor of the ICU waiting room can change your perspective on a lot of things–including the High Holy Days. Or at least it did for me. The idea of reciting the Unetanah Tokef prayer was paralyzing. Imagine me standing there with the congregation reciting these words while my brother was hooked up to a ventilator a few miles away:
On Rosh Hashanah it is inscribed,
And on Yom Kippur it is sealed.
How many shall pass away and how many shall be born,
Who shall live and who shall die,
Who shall reach the end of his days and who shall not.
The thought of losing my brother in the upcoming year made Yom Kippur the most meaningful and meaningless day all at the same time. Some people find comfort in the rituals and prayers and poems during times of trial and tribulation. I always felt that was true for me too. Not this time. This was too big and too real and I did not want to go through the motions and pretend I was praying for salvation. Stand up, sit down, stand up, bow, sit down. Instead, I walked home and ate a slice of pizza. I just did not care about Yom Kippur.
Back up a few days. I was not looking forward to the holidays at all. Having always found solace in my visits to the mikveh, I decided to immerse during the ten days of repentance between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. I prayed and prayed that I would find meaning in this immersion. The afternoon before my visit I felt empty inside. There was no excitement or anticipation like in years prior. I felt like Judaism was failing me when I needed it most.
Despite these fears I went to the mikveh that night. Filled with dread I clipped, scrubbed, shaved, shampooed, and combed. Still nothing came to me. I stepped out of the tub and looked at myself in the full-length mirror on the back of the door. The year had changed me. My belly was still round from the baby it had carried and my eyes were tired from sleepless nights nursing him. The intense sadness I felt for my brother showed on every inch of my face. I sighed heavily and felt sorry for myself.
I buzzed for the mikveh attendant.
It came to me standing at the top of the stairs–my prayer, if you want to call it that. It was deeper than sadness. I suddenly felt a sense of mourning. Not for my brother, but for my life before all of this. Before cancer and chemo, IVs, pet scans, operating tables, and doctors. I cried as I realized my blissful childhood was officially coming to an end. I felt as though I would immerse in the mikveh and with three quick dunks leave behind a life I would no longer know. I sobbed. I let the warm water come over my head once, twice, three times. I quickly stepped out of the ritual pool, put on my clothes, and left the building. It felt good. I felt like I had said goodbye.
A few days later I was on the floor eating pizza. That was seven months ago. My brother is still with us, though we do not know for how long. He is dying. We all are. It took months for my period to return after my pregnancy, but my cycles are regular again. I still cry as I prepare each month to wash away the sadness. But now, when I emerge, I feel alive.
Since writing this piece, Rachel’s brother succumbed to his battle with cancer and passed away peacefully on April 19, 2014.
Rachel lives in northern NJ with her husband Seth and 1-year-old son Theodore. She was first introduced to mikveh through her conversion at Adas Israel in Washington, DC, where she also became an adult bat mitvah. Rachel is active in her Conservative congregation and a member of a community mikveh in West Orange, NJ.
Anita Diamant
Breathtakingly honest. Thank you, Rachel.
Diane Black
A heartfelt story from a beautiful heart.
Teri
I am holding back tears as aI read this…12 years ago, at 10 months old, my daughter had an accident between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. She was stable but still in the ICU and connected to a ventilator on Kol Nidre. I had always loved hearing Kol Nidre chanted and I felt that going that night would somehow make me feel better – just like you with the mikveh. I went and did feel the warmth and healing power of being in the sanctuary with so many people. Still, I was too anxious about my daughter and distressed by the language of Unetanah Tokef prayer – it was a little to real for me – so we did not stay for the whole service. The next year, I was able to return with my daughter who slept on my husband’s shoulder wrapped in his Tallis, grateful that we were had been inscribed and sealed the previous year. That is the Yom Kippur memory I hold on to now.
Leemor Ellman
What a beautifully written piece, Rachel. Tears and chills. And inspirational – now I MUST visit the mikvah. I love being in warm bodies of water and I’m always searching for ways to bring more Jewish meaning into my life.
jewish holidays gibraltar
Piece of writing writing is also a excitement, if you be acquainted with after that you can write if
not it is complicated to write.
mjfk
So painful, so raw and so poignant. I, too, had two Yom Kippurs like that. Once my father was diagnosed with bone cancer on Yom Kippur. I did not fast. Once my daughter had mono while at college. We spent that Yom Kippur at a hotel in New York, camped by her bedside. I spent the night writing a poem about the YK that wasn’t while watching her breathe all night.
sniper elite III
My brother recommended I might like this web site.
He was entirely right. This post truly made my day.
You cann’t imagine simply how much time I had spent for this info!
Thanks!
quotes about education
Hi there Dear, are you actually visiting this site on a regular basis, if so
then you will absolutely obtain nice experience.
promo sbobet
Hmm is anyone else having problems with the pictures on this blog
loading? I’m trying to figure out if its a problem on my end or if it’s the blog.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Watch The Maze Runner Online Free
I have not study the book so naturally I have zero concept what this movie is about.
CStress Booter
I ҡnow this if οff tooic but I’m looking into starting my oաn blog and was wondering what all iѕ required to get setup?
ӏ’m assuming haνing a blog like yours would cost a pretty penny?
I’m not very internet smart soo I’m not 100% sure. Any sսggstions orr advicе would be greaƶtly appreciated.
Many thanks
Ballet Bible Free Download
The stiffening of muscles is what causes back aches in older people and
this happens because with older age, people naturally tend to slouch or stoop more while sitting and standing.
Notice if your mental images seem to be choreographed to match the music or not.
His brilliant career left a legacy that continues to have
lasting influence on the world of ballet.
https://www.car-audio-upgrades.co.uk/
This blog was… how do you say it? Relevant!! Finally I have found something
that helped me. Kudos!
used cars in kenya
The metal frame and roll out slat system is topped by two individual self-inflating
mattresses. Don t assume all the vehicle models may be bought as part of 0% financing, besides only the cars that
present on your lot in this very moment work extremely
well for 0 percent offers. Kenyan websites are used for the wrong reason: they are mainly
used for advertising rather than giving information.
intellect resources
I have read so many articles regarding the blogger lovers
except this paragraph is genuinely a fastidious paragraph, keep it up.
.U_O-4fmSzzI
Nonetheless, in spite of getting active, most performers never ever actually accomplish
anything at all of great value. Lifestyle is not really
feasible to flow all around without any sugary music shades of existence and there’s nothing at all somewhere between as well as the earth
has replicated from its lifestyle. In the subsequent years, Austin, texas acquired a track record becoming a place in which battling musicians could launch their careers looking at responsive audiences, at
casual are living places.
l'carnitina inyectable
I like looking through a post that can make people think.
Also, thanks for allowing for me to comment!
pure muscle pro
You actually make it seem so easy together with
your presentation but I find this topic to
be actually something which I feel I’d by no means understand.
It seems too complicated and very large for me. I’m looking forward for your next put up,
I will attempt to get the grasp of it!
Dr Peter Osborne Credentials
28 oz Delmonte Chunky Diced Zesty Chili Style tomatoes or equivalent.
Gluten is the protein commonly found in Barley, Wheat and Rye.
The more pronounced this process gets, the more serious the digestive issues grow into.
party songs edm
It’s so essential to get and be on beat in a particular music.
Before downloading, you must listen to them once more. Select a comfortable room where you will not
likely be interrupted.
Tetris Blitz android free cheat
An escalating number of games, including those discovered on mobile phones,
are becoming supported by telephone dialling ads which, when activated,
dial a destination quantity which, once again, potentially puts your child into unexpected.
how to get free vip on weeworld 2014
ӏ visited many sites еxcept the audio feature foг audio songs current аt this site is truly excellent.
Drakensang wiki
My partner and I stumbled over here coming from a different web page and thought I might check things out.
I like what I see so now i am following you.
Look forward to exploring your web page yet again.
Deux enseignants obtenez-le hardcore avant une journée de travail Tubes de sexe excellente et longue
Greetings from Idaho! I’m bored at work so I decided to browse your blog on my iphone during lunch break.
I enjoy the knowledge you provide here and can’t wait to take
a look when I get home. I’m amazed at how quick your blog loaded on my phone
.. I’m not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyways, fantastic blog!
Air Max 90
I visit every day some web sites and information sites to read content,
but this webpage provides feature based articles.
Kennith
Being shown that there are decently healthy meals within the frozen meals
section of the grocery store and that they solely take minutes to microwave.
greens powder
It’s enormous that you are getting ideas from this post as well
as from our argument made at this place.
learnforextradingsystem.tumblr.com
Generally speaking, trading with high leveraging is risky, but this is entirely the call of the trader.
Frequently volatility is at the highest important levels, where certainty
is very low. Don’t fall for the hype check the facts and if you see the above ask yourself why you should trust a made up track record.
day twitter allows
Hey there terrific website! Does running a blog similar to this require a large amount of
work? I have very little knowledge of computer programming but I was hoping to start my own blog in the near future.
Anyway, if you have any suggestions or tips for new blog owners please share.
I know this is off topic however I just needed to ask.
Cheers!
dormitorio planejado
Nice post. I used to be checking continuously this weblog and I’m impressed!
Very useful information specially the last section 🙂 I maintain such information a lot.
I used to be looking for this certain info for a long time.
Thanks and best of luck.
article builder
Do you have a spam problem on this website; I also am a blogger, and I was wanting to know your situation; we have created some nice practices
and we are looking to swap solutions with other folks, please shoot me an email if interested.
supplements protein
You really make it appear really easy along with your presentation however I to find this topic to be really
one thing which I feel I’d by no means understand.
It kind of feels too complex and extremely vast for me. I am looking
forward in your subsequent publish, I’ll attempt to get
the cling of it!
Vegas shows
I think this is one of the most vital info for me.
And i am glad reading your article. But should remark on few general things,
The website style is great, the articles is really great : D.
Good job, cheers
mold damage
Now I am ready to do my breakfast, after having my breakfast coming yet again to read other news.
Party Girl Télécharger
Hello to all, it’s actually a pleasant for me
to pay a visit this website, it includes important Information.
Najman burneika transmisja za darmo
Very good info. Lucky me I recently found your site by chance (stumbleupon).
I have saved as a favorite for later!
Curtis
Hi to every , because I am actually keen of reading this blog’s
post to be updated regularly. It includes pleasant
material.
muscular weight
You’re so interesting! I do not believe I’ve truly read through something like this
before. So good to discover someone with some genuine thoughts on this subject.
Really.. thanks for starting this up. This web site is one thing that is needed on the
web, someone with some originality!
f
I’m gone to inform my little brother, that he should also go to see
this weblog on regular basis to take updated from newest information.
Authentic Steroids
pharmaeu.net is good to go
vitamin d
It’s very easy to find out any matter on net as compared
to books, as I found this post at this web site.